I'm a grasshopper.

Heavens me, I can't sleep. I wish I had a blog with a pseudonym instead of my real name. It's too embarrassing to read your own writing after all. 

Anyhow, I have another childhood memory for today. I was listen to a song about being a good little worker bee. I'm not a good little worker bee. I don't want to be (eff the man!), but it reminded me of Aesops fable, "the Grasshopper and the Ant." If you don't remember it's about a lazy foolish grasshopper who just played all summer and goofed off while the ants worked hard and prepared for the winter. When the winter came the ants were prepared and had lots of food and warmth for the winter. The grasshopper was out in the cold, but in the end the ants wanted him to come in and entertain them, and so he was saved. Here is one version of the story: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wM1DgihKHVI

Well, growing up my mom told me this story and always said I was a grasshopper. She would say, "You are such a grasshopper!" just randomly when I was being weird. And I took this as a compliment, and she meant it as a compliment! I mean she was more or less calling me lazy and irresponsible, but what she meant was that my personality was creative and that I am a free spirit. She would explain that to me, and I liked my identity as a grasshopper. She said society need grasshoppers too! (My mom was great!)

She believe grasshoppers where there to bring beauty and fun to the world.

She called her self an ant. She meant anal, a control freak and an anxious personality. And she would be right about that; she is an ant! She worked hard, and put off fun for the big picture. She thought I was really talented (I'm not, but she's my mother so she loves everything I do) and she valued my grasshopperness about me instead of trying to make me an ant. She thought I was creative and artistic. I liked to draw and write as a kid. She thought everything I did was brilliant; like a good mother should, but she would be wrong about that. It was okay for my age level, but that's the thing about growing up if you don't improve it's not impressive or good anymore. I don't write anymore.  People study to be good at it, and I'm just not. I don't do art as much anymore for the same reason.

 My point is I don't really see myself as talented or someone that the ants would want to keep around. But I think perhaps the reason has to do with what my friend said about me. When I was talking to my friends about why stranger hit on me all the time in my advance age and obese state; they said it was because I look happy. They said I sound and look happy and am approachable.Two friends separately said that---independently! It must be true, I thought, if they both said that. So, maybe that's part of being a grasshopper; being happy looking. I laugh loudly. 

Well, if that's the case I have to credit my ant mother for that. My mother consciously taught me to smile. She would point of unhappy children and say, "What's wrong with that child? She never smiles!" And so I learned that smiling was a good thing. My mom thought that kids who didn't smile lived in homes with parents who didn't smile at them, and frowny kids creeped my mom out. I didn't want to creep my mom out!  And my teachers seemed to think I was a happy kid too. She must have done something right.

Divya likes to tell me about how her parents fell in love with me the first time I meant them. She says it's because I was so smilely, and they used to call me the smiley girl. In their thick Indian accents they say to her, "Why can't you be like that smiley girl?" Divya never smiled as a kid; she was emo before emo was a thing. It's cuz her parents didn't teach her too! lol

I guess I could also credit the primary song that goes, "If you change to meet a frown, do not let it stay! Turn that frown upside down, and smile all the day!" or something like that. 

Brian is an Ant. He's very responsible and very organized. He is always so confused by my inefficient and backwards ways of doing things. I'm very lazy and it probably annoys him to death, but he also loves the crazy! I think it's good that I'm with an ant or I'd have no food for winter!

Well, that's my late night reflection on my childhood for tonight. (This reminds me of my Pollyanna complex. Maybe I'll write about that some other time.)

Pollz

silly regrets of my childhood

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."
- Mark Twain


Ain't that the truth. Sometimes, the internet (or the radio) has a way of rubbing salt in your wounds. Maybe, it's just when you are sensitive to things they stand out more as a reminder of what's been on your mind. Anyway, this certainly is true. I'm rather young and I already feel angst over my youth and the things I didn't do.


I've been telling Brian I'm going to be a bad mother, because my advice to my kids is going to be kiss as many boys as you can while you're still young and able to be silly. But I think it's good advice I had taken. (I also think the best advice I have is "Don't listen to people's advice" so who knows) I literary have a laundry list of people I should have kissed in my head. Bhah! It's funny because I look back as an adult and remember interactions with people I'm now I can clearly see they liked me. As a kid you would never have had the confidence to presume that a boy liked you. It was much harder to figure out back then and you were too shy. 


I wish I had trespass more with Divya! I really wish I had TP-ed more people. Now, I'm at an age where it wouldn't be cute if I spent my weekends throwing toilet paper at people's house, but that doesn't mean I don't want to! I wish I had skinny dipped when I had a body not to be ashamed of--but I was ashamed of it back then. I wish I had taken more nude photos---to remember my beauty. lol I'm kidding about that one. I wish I had climbed more trees while my joints we still good (cruse you genetics). I wish I had let myself be crazier when my age alone would have gotten me off the hook! I should have experimented more with crazy fashions while people wouldn't hold it against me. 


That's the thing I didn't fully understand as a teenager. I literary could have done anything. I could have tried anything. I could have gone through any phase, style, hobby, interest, obsession, boyfriend, religious cult, craze, or whatever and people would have given me a pass because of my youth. I mean people might have still thought you were dumb, but you would grow out of it and it'd be okay. Now, I'm at the age where I'm supposed to be over experimentation and childishness, and if it's not my age that perverts me it's my martial status. Married people with a condo and 2 car payments (their paid off, but back in the day) aren't supposed to spend their time throwing toilet paper at people's houses. Why!? I mean the cops will let kids walk, but grow bummed adults will be reducible for their immaturity. 


But I never claimed that my maturity level was why I got married. I was never mature and I'm not mature. It's like just because I'm married people expect me to skip my milestones in my earlier 20ies. Maybe, that's all in my head but I feel the pressure and the stigma of being a young bride. Like I'm not supposed to want to go sit at Denny's till 2:00 in the morning only ordering lemonades and talking smack with my friends. I'm still developmentally in the same place as those dumb college kids who make bad life decisions and change their major 6 times.   I never claimed to be mature. I don't want to grow u! I'm a Toys R Us Kid.---See; i'm not mature.


 At the end of the day my motivations for getting married, when I was 19, was that I wanted to be able to live with my boyfriend in a way that would be socially acceptable and not bring shame to the family. I mean I didn't think that was my motivations at the time, but if we are honest it wasn't much deeper than that. I've said it before and I'll say it again. 19 year olds are dumb; we shouldn't listen to then until they are 22 at the earliest. They aren't even a fully developed human. Literally your brain isn't finished yet. Oh well, live and learn. 

I think I'll just have to get better at not getting caught when I go TPing. If you don't get caught there is no shame, right?


Maybe, this is why I'm really excited to go to Japan. No one will know me so i'm going to try all the crazy trends. Just google image search "Japanese Street Fashion" to see my new look. I'm going to have crazy hair and costumes. And it's going to be totally cool because it's normal there. Here are some examples: 

http://nikholaiz.hubpages.com/hub/Japanese-Street-Fashion-Decora

p.s. songs about it "not being too late." Just piss me off.

2012

It's 2012. I haven't been on here since 2008. That's about 3 years. I want to say it's embarrassing to read my blogs (all 2 of them), but I think they are cute. I like the idea of reliving my childhood. I had a good childhood. It was a fun time. And I find my self amusing even if only Brian and Divya agree with me.

I don't know if I'm going to start blogging here again. I'm graduating from UofM-Dearborn, so I will have some times on my hands. But I've come to loath bloggers in a way. It's such an ego trip sometimes. But you know what who cares? You should just write for you, right? But that's what a private journal is for. Blogs are for embarrassing your self and sounding stupid for the world to mock, right?

I'll think about it, but I only really want to tell stories about my past. The fan fiction is for a pseudonym unconnected to me. Jk (Is it weird I only associate fan fiction with smut?) I've gotten really bad at journaling (why isn't journaling a real word? I hear people use it all the time), which is really sad because my life is pretty awesome. For example, I got to met Jane Goodall recently. I mean Whoa! That's pretty dang crazy cool, right?  no one in the world who is reading this. Okay, maybe Amber) I really should be writing my life down, because it's so dang cool. And If I can't write about the present (because it's too real), I should at least write about the past.

Anywho, I'll be back in another 3-4 years,

Princess Polly Anna Xena Burnette-Smuckers